Big Bear 2007
Two years ago I had a dream, a nightmare really, that is as vivid to me today, as it was the second it caused me to awaken and sit bolt-upright, in a cold sweat. It was a dream about crocodiles. It was actually a relatively lengthy dream and was not difficult to analyze, given my circumstance at the time. But most of those details are not relevant.
In the dream, I had taken Murray to a picnic in a park alongside an aqueduct. Murray was running alongside the aqueduct and there was a place where it had a sandy shore, rather than a concrete wall. I was looking into the aqueduct from the concrete wall point, and, with a start, I suddenly noticed that the water below was teaming with crocodiles. Instantly, I recognized the importance of getting Murray back on his leash and keeping him safe… keeping him with me.
I turned around to call Murray and saw that he was running on the sandy shore at the water’s edge. He turned towards me when I called and, in that instant, a crocodile shot out of the water and grabbed my boy into its mouth and began to drag him back into the icy waters of the aqueduct. I ran towards my baby, screaming his name. Our eyes were locked and, in those infinitely deep eyes, I could see the pain, and the fear, and the confusion that had overtaken him.
But it is not the pain, nor the fear, nor the confusion in his eyes that haunts me to this day. No, as horrific as that was, the thing that haunts me, the thing that drives me mad, is the absolute, undoubting, never wavering, complete and total look of confidence that emanated from those eyes of his. As horrendous as his situation was, being dragged into the water, a swarm of hungry crocodiles circling about, ready to fight for any piece of him they could get, he had absolutely no doubt that I was going to save him. He never blinked, never questioned- just kept staring at me with the complete and total belief that I was on my way. I would somehow rescue him, take him home, and make his physical pain go away. And we would be together, always.
And, so, as I ran screaming towards my boy, I knew what I had to do. I knew that there was no saving him, knew that he would likely not even live long enough to see me hit the water. And I knew that I would not survive, once I landed in the middle of that crocodile swarm. But I did not hesitate, could not falter, even for a second. Because I knew that, the very last thing that my boy was going to see was me, coming for him…. Me, coming to be with him, on that day and forever.
I woke up as my feet left the ground and my body hurtled itself towards the attacking crocodile
