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Before I get on with the post, I have been asked to re-present the link to Murray’s slide show. It is still at the bottom of the page but I don’t mind adding the link again. If people are watching it, then they are keeping his memory alive and, for some reason, that helps (?) So here it is: We got Murray’s ashes today. They said it would take three weeks and it only took 10 days. I thought it would be such a relief to get them, and in many ways, it is. I’m am not exaggerating when i say that, all Murray ever, ever wanted in this world was to be with me, to be with us. He didn’t want toys, didn’t want fancy food, didn’t want luxurious beds or fancy, flashy accessories. All he wanted was to just be with me and for me to be with him. And now, his ashes will be. I will never spread them, never let them loose in the wind, never climb a mountain and leave them at the peak to watch the sunrise, never set them free in a squirrel infested park. Not ever. None of these are things that he would have wanted. All he wanted was to be with me. Whenever it is finally my turn to go, if I am buried, I want him to be buried with me. If I am cremated, I will want his ashes burned with mine. But the great rush of relief that I had hoped for did not arrive home with the little pine box that carried my little boy. Instead, it ripped at my insides and twisted my stomach to know that his big, beautiful body was contained inside this little box with its tiny gold lock and itty-bitty keys. I had thought that I would miss most, the ability to touch Murray’s, angel-wing ears. And believe me, I do deeply miss this. It is excruciating. But as I look at pictures of him, I am surprised at how intensely I long to run my hand down his back and give a little scratch to the thicker, slightly curly hair towards the end of his spine and on the outer sides of his legs. i just don’t know if i can survive this |
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ashes
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January 8, 2010 at 8:37 am |
I recently lost my best girl, Brandy, to lymphoma so I can totally relate to your feelings. (http://www.boxerbuddies.org/RainbowBridge.htm has her “rainbow bridge” post -it’s on the site of the rescue who matched us.) It’s been 3.5 months, and in some ways it feels like it’s been so long I think “Will I ever feel better?” Then I have to remind myself that 3.5 months is not a long time in the big scheme of things. But it is too long to be without my Brandy, which then makes me so sad because I have the rest of my life without her.
I don’t mean to ramble on your site, but just wanted to let you know that I totally get it. When I got Brandy’s ashes, I was surprised at how drawn to them I was. It was her but it wasn’t. I chose to bury her ashes in the backyard under a tree she loved, but found I couldn’t do it right away. I did it on a gorgeous fall day- the kind she loved.
I miss her EVERY DAY. I hate that she’s gone and I doubt I will ever feel for another dog what I felt for her. I miss touching her and kissing her nose. I miss how she would look at me and the weight of her body as she leaned into me. She was my baby, my best friend, doggy-soulmate.
Hang in there. I’m told that as time goes by my memories will stop being painful and will be comforting. I haven’t gotten there yet but hope that they are right.
January 9, 2010 at 2:29 am |
thank you for stopping by. my heart goes out to you. to know that there are others enduring this excruciating pain is not a pleasant thought, but does make you feel less alone in grief. so thank you